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1. You walk into a hotel room and see a lemon and a hair dryer on the desk. Your first thought is that the person in the room was using them to:
write a secret message. Which is none of your business and you are so not going to search the garbage can for it. Much.
bleach their hair. Which is totally not a procedure you recommend unless followed by a very good conditioner.
a battery. Or a small transistor radio.
2. You think you’re being followed by a man. You:
hide. You are Not Getting Involved in Any Trouble. Even when you notice as he walks past you that he has a slight limp on his left side (la la la, not getting involved), which would match the unusual footprints the newspaper was talking about (No Involvement in Trouble) that were found in the flower bed outside a mansion after a heist (NOT INVOLVED), which suggests this is the guy, the thief, the dangerous lunatic who—you sneak out and follow him.
stop abruptly, turn, and spray him in the face with a debilitating dose of air sanitizer and hair spray, then tie him up with the spare sequin ribbon you keep on you for emergencies.
hide, then jump out at him using a move you learned on
Alien Abductions
—
Don’t Go Without a Fight
! No one can withstand the Double Alpha Ear Pull.
3. You see a woman dressed head to toe in Louis Vuitton, from the sunglasses holding back her hair to the fur (!) leg warmers at her feet. You
think “Head to Toe in Louis Vuitton” would make a good angry-girl band anthem.
issue a ticket for fashion violations, level 5 (extreme).
decide she is in the Russian mafia.
4. Your idea of a perfect date would include
ice cream.
karate.
anything with 3-D glasses.
5. Your most recent crush was on:
someone whose eyes you met across a crowded room at random.
someone you knew for a long time, who you knew liked you back.
E.T.
6. For Halloween you are likely to dress up as:
Dr. Henry Lee, world-famous pathologist.
Gloria Steinem, world-famous feminist.
Siegfried and Roy, world-famous spandex-jumpsuit wearing magicians.
7. The number one spot on your TiVo is occupied by:
Forensic Files.
Project Runway.
True Tales of the Unexplained.
8. If someone made a celebrity fragrance to embody the essence of YOU, it would be called
Crime Scene.
Eew, I would so never have a celebrity fragrance. Have you seen what they are made of? They use cheap ingredients that stain fabrics and only last a few minutes. The only thing they are good for is spraying in an assailant's eyes to disable them.
Streusel Topping.
9. Everyone has a Kryptonite, something that short-circuits their mind and drains them of the will to live. One of your primary ones is:
parents.
lace pinafores worn over jeans.
running out of mini–egg rolls.
10. You’d never be caught dead without your:
friends.
BeDazzler.
“I Heart The Rock” T-shirt.
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